Panic at the DNC: Mamdani Wins Without Support From Clinton-Era Ghosts

NEW YORK — Zohran Mamdani’s shock primary win for New York City mayor has sent the Democratic establishment spiraling into full existential crisis, as party leaders struggle to comprehend how a candidate could triumph without once appearing on Morning Joe or consulting a bipartisan lobbying firm.

Mamdani, a 33-year-old state legislator, ran on a platform centered around radical fringe concepts like “housing regular people” and “not letting capitalism eat everyone alive.” His message caught fire with working-class voters and younger New Yorkers—two groups the DNC had written off as either extinct or currently in therapy.

“This is deeply alarming,” muttered one DNC strategist while sipping a $15 airport IPA. “If this trend continues, we might have to actually address the cost of living, which is not something we’re structurally equipped to do.”

DNC officials are reportedly meeting behind closed doors to prepare Chuck Schumer’s carefully measured non-endorsement—or simply pretending Mamdani doesn’t exist until the midterms are over.

Meanwhile, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to deliver his usual calming rhetoric: “Mamdani is a TOTAL lunatic socialist—worse than Castro, Karl Marx, and the ShamWow guy COMBINED. He wants free housing, free buses, probably free pizza next! If he wins, say goodbye to New York!!”

Trump’s warning was also accompanied by a low-res GIF of Mamdani riding a rocket labeled “SOCIALISM” into the Statue of Liberty’s face.

Despite the chaos, Mamdani remained calm, telling reporters he was honored by the support and simply wanted “a livable city.”