Trump’s CIA Now Accepting Retroactive Edits to History: “It’s Like Wikipedia But For Presidents”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The CIA, once tasked with defending national security, is now helping President Trump defend his legacy—one historical edit at a time.

Under orders from CIA Director John Ratcliffe, a new “Historical Revision Task Force” has released its first official memo, boldly questioning whether Russia really interfered in the 2016 election just because every intelligence agency said they did.

“Look, history is very flexible. Very bendy,” Trump told reporters, stretching a rubber band for emphasis. “You can change it if you know the right people—and I know all the right people. I hired them.”

“Let’s not rush to judgment based on things like… evidence,” said Ratcliffe while shredding a printed copy of the Mueller Report. “We’re simply asking the tough questions here.”

The memo casts doubt on whether Russia really favored Trump, or if Putin was simply “playing 4D chess in support of American greatness.” It then blames the Steele Dossier, George Soros, CNN’s weather guy, and “the ghost of John McCain.”

Trump called the memo “tremendous” and hinted more edits are coming. “We’re looking at 2016, the Mueller thing, maybe undoing the whole COVID year—just clearing out the fake stuff,” he said. “People are even saying I won the Nobel Peace Prize but they lost the paperwork, so we’re trying to find that…”

As of press time, Trump was reportedly asking the CIA if they could also revise the history of his inauguration crowd size, “just to make it like… Biblically huge.”