Congress Passes “Big Beautiful Bill,” Poor People to Be Hunted for Sport by 2027

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Celebrations erupted on Capitol Hill Thursday after Republicans successfully passed President Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill,” a massive piece of legislation that slashes health care, boosts corporate tax breaks, and lays the groundwork for killing off poor people—politely, and with paperwork.

Under new Medicaid rules, people who aren’t “disabled enough” will be forced to work 80 hours a month to keep coverage. “If you can stand up long enough to apply for aid,” said one GOP lawmaker, “you can work the night shift at Amazon.”

Critics say the bill will leave the poor sicker, hungrier, and one missed paycheck away from gladiator matches for insulin. Supporters say that’s the point.

“This is about restoring dignity,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “People on Medicaid need to experience the pride of working multiple part-time jobs, rationing their meds, and trying not to die.”

Trump praised the bill on the White House lawn in front of a replica guillotine. “Some people are calling it cruel,” he said. “But I call it bold. Very Hunger Games but with more patriotism. And ICE dogs.”

Despite gutting social safety nets, the bill still adds $3.3 trillion to the deficit—thanks to generous funding for GOP fan favorites: mass deportation, Pentagon toy chests, and Trump’s long-promised Golden Dome missile shield.

“The Big Beautiful Bill is one of the most visionary pieces of legislation ever passed,” Johnson gushed. “It uplifts the American spirit, rewards hard work, and proves that you can cut millions off health care and still get re-elected by the same people you actively screw over. That’s a big win if you ask me.”