Bondi Says Epstein Case Is Closed: “Now If You’ll Excuse Me, I’d Like to Talk About These Cucumbers Full of Meth”

ARLINGTON — Attorney General Pam Bondi made a bold pivot Tuesday, declaring that the Justice Department would not release any additional Epstein files and instead inviting Americans to focus on the far more pressing issue of “drug-stuffed vegetables.”

At a DEA press conference that featured zero new Epstein information and at least six cucumber props, Bondi dismissed growing outrage from the MAGA base over contradictions in her handling of the case.

“We’ve already looked into Epstein—like, so many binders full of Epstein,” Bondi said. “But have you seen these cucumbers? They’re full of meth. That’s what real Americans care about.”

When pressed about whether she lied in February or is lying now, Bondi clarified, “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to talk about cucumbers. Big ones, stuffed with drugs…”

President Trump voiced support for Bondi’s cucumber-first approach, telling reporters, “Epstein was overhyped. Drugs are the new scandal. Have you seen the overdose rates? Disgusting. Also, cucumbers. Lotta cucumbers.”

As speculation grows about internal DOJ disputes, Bondi reassured Americans the department remains “100% committed to seizing vegetables and avoiding hard questions.”

No further comment was given about Dan Bongino, the Epstein files, or how the cucumbers got past the border.