Uncle Sam Wants YOU to Ruin Families for Cash: $50K Bonus for ICE Recruits Announced

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration’s latest recruiting blitz for Immigration and Customs Enforcement promises everything a young patriot could want: a $50,000 signing bonus, vintage war-posters, and the chance to personally traumatize strangers on behalf of the state.

New posters plastered across cities feature a finger-pointing Uncle Sam declaring “AMERICA NEEDS YOU,” while companion images show Trump and Homeland Security brass under the slogan “DEFEND THE HOMELAND”—now apparently shorthand for “kick out brown people and, time permitting, the homeless.”

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem called it “a defining moment in our nation’s history,” adding that the bonus “proves how much we value courage—and also how desperate we are to find anyone willing to do this.”

ICE’s new $170 billion war chest will fund detention centers, 10,000 fresh hires, and a million deportations per year. Recruiters plan to canvas job fairs, police academies, and, according to one internal memo, “any McDonalds where broke 19-year-olds are already wearing camo hoodies.”

“Fifty grand and benefits?” said one applicant. “I’ve always hated people, so this is basically perfect.”