Bondi Allegedly Mainlines Horse Tranquilizers to Make It Through Trump’s D.C. Takeover Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi appeared to reach a new personal best in government stoicism Monday, allegedly mainlining horse tranquilizers just to endure President Donald Trump’s rambling announcement that he was seizing control of the District of Columbia.

Standing to Trump’s left for the entire 47-minute speech—during which the president invented a crime wave, summoned the National Guard, and compared himself to “Batman, but better”—Bondi’s face cycled through exactly two settings: frozen stare and “I left the oven on.”

“I’m not saying she was high as a horse,” one witness said. “I’m saying she looked like she had literally become the horse.”

Viewers online described her expression as “spiritually absent” and “like someone had pressed pause on her soul.” One viral clip shows Bondi blinking once every 30 seconds, possibly to conserve energy.

White House aides denied rumors of chemical assistance, claiming Bondi was simply “deep in thought.” However, one staffer admitted she may have been “thinking about other things—perhaps a beach, a childhood memory, or a giant syringe labeled ‘For Veterinary Use Only.’”

Bondi has yet to comment, possibly because she’s still on mental vacation somewhere far, far away…