Felony Sandwich Attack Prompts National Guard to Secure All D.C. Delis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump’s militarized crime crackdown scored a historic victory Wednesday when federal officers arrested a man for allegedly assaulting one of their own with a sandwich.

According to court documents, the “sub-style” weapon was hurled at a U.S. Customs and Border Protection officer’s chest after the suspect shouted, “Why are you here? I don’t want you in my city!” Officials say the bread-based projectile could have contained lettuce, tomato, or other potentially dangerous condiments.

Within hours, National Guard units were stationed outside every deli in the capital. “We can’t take chances,” said U.S. Attorney for D.C. Jeanine Pirro. “Today it’s a cold cut combo—tomorrow it’s a toasted ciabatta with intent to harm.”

Trump praised the operation, calling it “the fastest takedown of a sandwich in American history” and proof that his takeover of D.C. policing is working. “Crime is down, sandwiches are off the streets,” he declared.

Critics pointed out that violent crime has already been declining in D.C., but administration officials insisted the deployment was necessary. “We’ve neutralized the hoagie threat,” said one CBP officer. “We’ll sleep easier tonight—and so will Subway.”

Authorities confirm the suspect faces felony charges and, if convicted, could be banned from all sandwich shops within city limits.