Russia-Ukraine War Nearly Solved by Fashion Choice and Flirty Banter

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Centuries of military doctrine and decades of NATO strategy took a back seat Monday to the real drivers of peace: wardrobe and charm.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, swapping his trademark black T-shirt for an actual suit jacket, received immediate praise from Donald Trump. “That’s a powerful look,” Trump said, clearly relieved he no longer had to negotiate with “some guy dressed like a barista.”

Hours later, Trump shocked the room by thanking the press—a move observers linked directly to the fact that Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni was seated beside him, laughing at his offhand jokes. “I’ve never seen him so gracious,” one European diplomat whispered. “It’s amazing what proximity to a blonde with an accent can achieve.”

Critics, however, remained skeptical. While Trump basked in applause and Zelenskyy adjusted his lapels, Russian forces advanced further into Ukrainian territory. Senator Richard Blumenthal noted the irony: “Everyone here is playing Trump… Zelenskyy with his suit, Meloni with her laugh, the EU with the seating chart. Meanwhile, Putin’s playing them all.”

Still, optimism lingered inside the West Wing. “If this is what it takes to get Trump on board,” one aide shrugged, “then maybe peace really is just a makeover away.”