Pentagon Reveals New Boat Policy: ‘If It’s Wet and Venezuelan, Launch a Missile’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon unveiled a sweeping new doctrine Monday, formalizing what officials say has been an “informal operating principle”: if a floating object near Venezuela looks even vaguely boat-like, blow it up.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called the policy “a bold leap forward in American maritime excellence,” noting that precision is overrated when “the important thing is to let everyone know we’ve got missiles and we’re not afraid to use them.”

The announcement followed the second U.S. strike in as many weeks, which destroyed a small vessel carrying three people. Trump praised the attack on Truth Social, declaring, “Nobody’s been tougher on Venezuelan boats than me—nobody. We’re hunting them down, and we’re winning.”

Officials were unable to say whether the victims were drug traffickers, fishermen, or “just some dudes who really loved the ocean.” A Pentagon aide suggested the mission’s success should be measured by “how awesome the explosion looked.”

Critics accused the administration of turning anti-narcotics work into a game of Battleship. “At this point, it feels less like strategy and more like an oceanic hobby,” noted one analyst. “Trump seems to really be enjoying this.”

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