America Elects 34x Felon in Chief — Left Googles ‘How to Survive 4 More Years’

UNITED STATES — In a historic moment for American democracy, the United States has elected a man facing 34 felony convictions to the highest office in the land—yet again.

Donald J. Trump, real estate mogul, reality TV host, and courtroom regular, clinched a second term faster than most Americans could say “Wait, seriously?” The election has left roughly half the country stunned and the other half posting MAGA memes with captions like “Justice is Finally Served.”

As news outlets confirmed the results late Tuesday night, searches for “how to survive 4 more years” surged to the top of Google Trends, closely followed by “can a president run the country from prison?”

“I honestly didn’t think felony charges mattered anymore,” said one Trump supporter in Ohio. “I mean, who among us hasn’t been indicted multiple times for obstruction and fraud? It makes him relatable.”

Across social media, Democrats posted crying selfies or “moving to Canada” announcements that no one believes anymore. Meanwhile, CVS pharmacies reported a dramatic spike in sales of Zoloft, boxed wine, and industrial-size tubs of cookie dough.

Despite being found liable for sexual assault, business fraud, and having enough legal baggage to open a Samsonite outlet, Trump won by a decisive margin in key swing states, thanks largely to voter turnout among the ‘Mad About Egg Prices’ demographic.

“Look, the people have spoken,” one campaign aide declared. “And they said: ‘We want our guy, felony baggage and all. Just wrap it in an American flag and we’re good.’”

In a brief victory speech, Trump thanked his base, reminded everyone that he still doesn’t concede the 2020 election, and promised to “pardon some people, especially one very important one—you know who.”

The Harris campaign released a statement shortly after midnight that simply asked: “Why?”