“Big Balls” Carjacking Latest Excuse for Trump to Live Out Dictator Cosplay in the Capital

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has found his latest excuse to strip Washington of its elected leadership: the recent carjacking of Edward “Big Balls” Coristine, a 19-year-old tech prodigy and early Elon Musk recruit to the Department of Government Efficiency.

“This city is out of control—we’re federalizing it,” Trump declared, brushing off the fact that violent crime in D.C. is down sharply from last year. “The homeless have to move out, IMMEDIATELY.”

Trump delivered that order via Truth Social—a curious choice, given that most homeless people don’t have smartphones, data plans, or the ability to wade through 15 rambling paragraphs about how great Trump is before finding the eviction notice.

Local officials stressed the incident, while violent, was isolated. But for Trump, it’s another chance to cosplay as a strongman—the same playbook he’s run for graffiti, protests, and anything else that offends him personally.

“This isn’t really about Big Balls,” one D.C. resident said. “It’s about Trump seeing one crime, deciding it’s his power-trip ticket, and using it to evict people who don’t even know they’ve been evicted yet.”