Christianity Declared “Oppressed Religion” by Government Run Entirely by Christians

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to protect the nation’s most politically dominant faith from vaguely defined slights, the Trump administration has officially designated Christianity as an “oppressed religion,” despite its overwhelming presence in government, media, and national holidays.

“We will not tolerate even a single unreturned ‘God bless you’ in this country,” said VA Secretary Doug Collins, unveiling a new task force to investigate “anti-Christian bias” among Veterans Affairs employees. “If you see someone remove a nativity scene from the breakroom, report it. If your coworker says ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas,’ report it.”

The VA’s new task force—chaired by Attorney General Pam Bondi—will investigate these reports and recommend punishments or possible Old Testament-style smitings. “This is about making Christianity safe again,” said Bondi, speaking beneath a giant gold crucifix now hanging in the VA conference chamber.

President Trump praised the effort, calling it “a long-overdue crusade to protect America’s most persecuted majority. Christians are under attack, especially in places where they are not getting the special treatment they deserve.”

Civil liberties groups have raised concerns about the initiative, arguing it’s a thinly veiled attempt to enforce ideological conformity. “Separation of church and state was fun while it lasted,” noted one constitutional lawyer. “Now it’s more like a mandatory youth group—with surveillance.”