Democratic Party Pulls All-Nighter to Pretend It’s Awake — With Cory Booker Talking the Entire Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hoping to reassure frustrated voters that they’re still technically resisting, Democrats staged a historic all-nighter—featuring 25 straight hours of Cory Booker saying earnest things while everyone else took turns applauding and hydrating.

The speech, which broke a decades-old Senate floor record, was framed as a “powerful act of defiance”—mostly against the perception that the party had fallen into a coma.

“Sometimes, the best way to show you’re fighting is to dramatically stand still… and just speak,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And no one stands like Cory.”

While progressive voters appreciated the symbolism, reactions were mixed. “Look, I’m glad they’re saying something,” said one New York organizer. “But after 25 hours of talking, I was kinda hoping we’d get, I don’t know… a plan?”

Still, party leaders saw it as a win: “We may not have the numbers in Congress,” said one Democratic aide, “but we still have podiums, C-SPAN, and a whole vault of pre-prepared quotes.”

At press time, Booker was seen recovering in compression socks as DNC strategists prepared their next big move: a commemorative lapel pin that says “2025: We Spoke.”