DHS Cuts Civil Rights Staff From 150 to 9, Says Oversight Works Better When Nobody’s Watching

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Homeland Security announced this week that it has “streamlined” its civil rights oversight team from 150 employees to a mere 9—roughly the number of people needed to run a moderately successful Applebee’s. Officials insist the downsizing will “dramatically improve efficiency,” mainly because there will be no one left to slow things down by actually checking for abuse.

The Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties—formerly responsible for investigating hundreds of complaints ranging from medical neglect, to detainees being pepper-sprayed en masse—has been turned into what the administration describes as a “lean, minimalist department.” According to DHS spokesperson Tricia McLaughlin, “Oversight works best when you keep it simple.”

DHS also removed every public civil-rights-abuse record from its website, explaining that transparency had become “a major bottleneck.” Former officials warn this means the public now has as much visibility into detention conditions as a brick wall, but DHS insists the reform has already cut complaints dramatically. “When you delete the files, the problems go away,” McLaughlin said. “That’s our motto.”

Civil rights advocates worry the near-elimination of oversight will create a blank check for brutality across the rapidly expanding detention system. But DHS says Americans should rest easy: with only 9 watchdogs left, the chances of anyone noticing wrongdoing are now “lower than ever.”