DOJ Opens New Epstein Probe So Trump Can Avoid Doing the One Thing That Would End the Epstein Probe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump on Friday ordered the Justice Department to open a sweeping new investigation into Jeffrey Epstein’s ties to a list of high-profile figures that somehow includes everyone except himself.

The directive—which Attorney General Pam Bondi immediately obeyed—comes just days after Epstein emails mentioning Trump were released, prompting what some are calling the most spectacular act of political self-own since Trump tried to convince Americans that bleach might be good for the lungs.

Trump insisted the new probe would finally get to the bottom of “the Epstein Hoax,” a phrase presidents don’t usually employ when they’re sure they’re innocent. When asked why he still refuses to release the Epstein files, the president responded by naming all the additional people he wants investigated, including “Harvard, probably,” and “that LinkedIn guy.”

Even conservative pundit Megyn Kelly seemed exhausted with the theatrics, telling her audience, “Just release them! Just release the files!”

Instead, Trump doubled down, labeling Republicans who support file transparency as “soft and foolish,” launching an investigation so broad it now reportedly includes Bill Clinton, Larry Summers, JPMorgan, five universities, and “whoever else Democrats hang out with.”

White House officials—who asked not to be named for obvious reasons—claim Trump’s strategy is “very precise”: refuse transparency, investigate everyone else on Earth, and hope Americans get confused enough to blame Joe Biden anyway.