Experts Warn Trump’s ‘Vigilante Portal’ Could Let Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and Your Uncle Gary Enforce Federal Law

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Civil rights attorneys are sounding alarms over President Donald Trump’s latest executive order, which creates an online portal allowing Americans with “law enforcement or other relevant backgrounds” to apply for federal deputization. The order does not define “relevant,” leaving the possibility that MAGA diehards—including your Uncle Gary—could soon be patrolling the streets with federal authority.

“Normally you’d expect strict qualifications: training, certification, accountability,” said one civil rights attorney. “Here, it looks like the only real question is: do you support the President, and can you spell your own name without government assistance?”

The portal, overseen by the Justice Department, promises swift review and training, though no details were provided on what that training entails. “Given this administration, we’re not expecting much more than a PowerPoint titled Arrest First, Ask Later,” another attorney noted.

Experts say the order could formalize the deputization of far-right militias like the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers. But it also opens the door to less disciplined recruits—men like your Uncle Gary, who, according to family sources, has a concealed-carry permit, a CB radio, and a long-standing grudge against “woke stuff.”

Asked if he planned to apply, Uncle Gary replied: “Already did. Said my relevant background was ‘common sense.’ They approved me in four minutes…”