Federal Judge Orders Trump to Feed the Poor; DOJ Appeals Ruling to 6th Judicial Circle of Hell

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hours after a federal judge condemned the Trump administration for “intentionally allowing poor Americans to go hungry,” the Department of Justice announced it would appeal the ruling to the 6th Judicial Circle of Hell—a jurisdiction officials described as “more ideologically compatible.”

Judge John McConnell’s scathing decision ordered the administration to deliver full SNAP benefits “immediately,” blasting it for presiding over the first lapse in food aid in U.S. history. “The evidence shows needless suffering that could have been prevented,” McConnell wrote. “The government has chosen starvation as a negotiating tactic.”

Attorney General Pam Bondi said the appeal was necessary to “preserve the president’s constitutional right to punish the poor.” Bondi confirmed her team had already filed paperwork with Hell’s lower court system, requesting “an expedited review by judges unencumbered by empathy.”

When asked whether the administration might simply obey the original ruling and feed people, Bondi replied coldly: “We don’t want to set a precedent where compassion interferes with governance.”

At press time, a spokesperson for the Infernal Court confirmed receipt of the appeal, saying hearings would begin “once the lava cools enough to seat the panel.”