Federal Spending Frozen Until Programs Can Prove They’re Not ‘Woke, Gay, or Socialist’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new policy that constitutional scholars are calling “deeply illegal,” the White House announced a temporary freeze on all federal spending until government programs can certify they are not “woke, gay, or socialist in nature.”

“We’re just trying to ensure taxpayer dollars aren’t being wasted,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Every program that wants its funding reinstated must now pass a simple three-part loyalty test: Are you woke? Are you gay? Are you, in any way, Bernie-coded?”

The new directive has reportedly halted funding for homeless shelters, school lunch programs, domestic violence support services, and emergency disaster relief. Asked about the consequences, Leavitt shrugged. “Look, if the hurricane victims didn’t want their funds delayed, maybe they shouldn’t have had pronouns.”

Critics were quick to denounce the move. “This is the most blatant violation of the separation of powers in modern U.S. history,” said Senator Angus King, before being forcibly muted.

Despite a federal judge blocking the freeze within 24 hours, Trump took to Truth Social to declare victory: “WOKE FUNDING ERA IS OVER. Only strong, straight, obedient money allowed now. America First, Feelings Last!”