Government Reclassifies Educators As ‘Nonprofessionals,’ Advises Them To Monetize A YouTube Channel About How Screwed They Are

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move experts are calling “both dystopian and somehow extremely on-brand,” the Trump administration confirmed that educators will no longer qualify as “professionals” for federal loan purposes, but are “strongly encouraged” to generate income by documenting their academic collapse on YouTube.

“Education has entered the creator economy,” said one senior official, proudly unveiling a pamphlet titled So Your Degree Is Worthless—Now What?. “Instead of complaining about the new loan limits, teachers should make YouTube content like ‘My Grad School Debt Explained’ or ‘Tenure-Track Horror Story.’ The internet loves relatable suffering.”

Students in graduate education programs said they felt “insulted, but also weirdly pressured to start filming immediately.” One M.Ed. candidate admitted she’d already drafted a thumbnail featuring herself crying next to a stack of unpaid tuition bills. “My advisor said the lighting looks good,” she added.

Recent humanities PhDs were even less amused. “I dedicated eight years of my life to a dissertation only four people read,” said one humanities scholar. “And now the government has essentially informed me that my career prospects hinge on whether I can deliver a cold-open about academic despair. Incredible.”

Administration officials denied the policy devalues education. “Not at all,” said one aide. “Teachers are vital. Their suffering just no longer qualifies for federal support. But it might qualify for monetization if the YouTube algorithm likes it…”