Half of Young Democrats Embarrassed to Be American; Other Half Too Busy Apologizing for Existing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Harvard Kennedy School poll found that most Democrats under 30 would rather fake Canadian citizenship than admit they’re American—a finding the party is addressing with what critics call “the most cringe outreach campaign in U.S. history.”

The strategy, spearheaded by Sen. Cory Booker, involves hiring YouTube commentator Brian Tyler Cohen to coach lawmakers on “relatable content.” The results: parked-car confessionals, scripted TikTok duets, and the now-infamous “Choose Your Fighter” video—a montage so awkward even CNN claimed it was “just inviting ridicule.”

“Watching them try to ‘relate’ is like watching your parents discover memes ten years too late,” said 21-year-old Jada Nguyen. “I already hated American politics… but now I’m just embarassed.”

Even loyal young liberals are losing patience. “I’ll vote blue to stop fascism,” said 25-year-old Arjun Patel. “But if I have to see one more Democrat lip-sync on TikTok, I might just throw my phone in the ocean.”

Democrats insist the mockery means it’s working. “Engagement is engagement,” Booker said. “Hate-watches count too.”

Republicans, meanwhile, continue to win cultural battles by yelling louder—an innovation Democrats still have yet to grasp.