Hegseth Defends Press Restrictions: “Journalists Don’t Run the Pentagon — My Ego Does”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reporters at the Pentagon were stunned Friday after receiving a memo informing them that all coverage of the Department of Defense must now be pre-cleared by an “appropriate authorizing official,” a title which, according to insiders, will rotate daily between Pete Hegseth and whichever intern is best at “dealing with” reporters.

The policy applies even to unclassified information. Journalists who fail to comply will have their credentials revoked and be escorted back to the food court, which remains the only officially sanctioned zone for free expression. “You can still report on the price of club sandwiches,” one official noted, “as long as it doesn’t hint at troop movements.”

Defending the crackdown, Hegseth insisted the measure would protect Americans from “dangerous facts that lack proper context.” He added that the Pentagon “must speak with one voice, ideally mine—especially when it’s praised by Fox News anchors.”

Press freedom advocates blasted the rules as “cartoonishly authoritarian.” Hegseth, unfazed, responded that reporters are still free to write whatever they like “once it’s reviewed, revised, and ghostwritten by the Department of War’s new PR team.”

“Look, freedom of the press still exists,” Hegseth said. “It’s just on my desk waiting for my signature.”