Hegseth Discovers Courts Are Not Just for Attacking Trump’s Enemies

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly erupted into a tantrum Monday after learning that Arizona Senator and retired Navy captain Mark Kelly is legally allowed to sue him.

According to Pentagon sources, Hegseth reacted to the lawsuit by shouting, “He can’t sue me—I run the Department of WAR!” before demanding to know who authorized Kelly to “do lawfare back.”

The lawsuit stems from Hegseth’s attempt to downgrade Kelly’s retirement rank and pension after Kelly publicly reminded service members that illegal orders do not have to be followed. Hegseth interpreted this reminder as “basically treason” and “a direct attack on military authority.”

Pentagon lawyers explained to Hegseth that retired veterans retain free-speech rights and that courts are not reserved exclusively for punishing the president’s enemies. Hegseth responded by asking whether Kelly had “cleared this with anyone” and whether lawsuits could be “denied for disrespect.”

At press time, Hegseth was reportedly drafting a statement accusing the legal system of being “rigged” and “extremely hostile to strong leadership.”