Hegseth Halts Cyberops on Russia: “Trump Wants to See What They’ll Do if We Just Trust Them”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic shift from “peace through strength” to “security through blind optimism,” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has suspended all Pentagon cyberattacks on Russia, explaining that President Trump “wants to open a new chapter with our misunderstood comrades in Moscow.”

“Trump believes Russia deserves a clean slate,” Hegseth said while polishing a $500 bottle of Russian vodka. “They’ve been judged too harshly for hacking our media. No one seems to notice—so what’s the big deal?”

The move follows Trump’s live Oval Office tantrum against Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, whom he scolded for “not saying thank you” enough. Two days later, Trump reportedly called Putin “a strong leader with beautiful infrastructure.”

Cybersecurity experts were baffled by the pivot, especially in the age of AI. “It’s like letting a hacker stroll into your server room with a bag of Adderall and zero supervision,” noted one Pentagon IT expert.

“This is strategic self-sabotage,” one NSA analyst said, “unless the real goal is to outsource the 2026 election directly to Moscow.”

Last month, Pam Bondi also disbanded the FBI’s Russian interference unit, citing the fact “it’s been, like, three whole years since the last one.” Sources say she’s now overseeing a new task force focused on catching liberals who “look Russian.”

As of press time, Trump was reportedly preparing a second call with Putin to ask if he wanted “to maybe do a joint podcast or something,” to further strengthen US-Russia ties.