Homeless Evicted for Violating Trump’s ‘No Poor People in My Periphery’ Rule

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal agents cleared homeless encampments across D.C. this week, citing violations of Trump’s newly enforced ‘No Poor People in My Periphery’ ordinance—designed to protect the president from visual stimuli that might disturb his luxury-first worldview.

One man was reportedly told to move because he was “in eyesight of the president.” Witnesses imagined the danger: Trump catching sight of a homeless man and shrieking, “I’m melting! I’m meltiiiiiiing!” before collapsing into a puddle of bronzer.

The White House defended the sweep, insisting it was about “restoring beauty to the nation’s capital.” When asked if “beauty” meant purging any evidence of inequality, one staffer replied, “Well, poverty doesn’t exactly trend well.”

Local police attempted to conduct the evictions with a modicum of dignity before federal authorities arrived to streamline the process by removing both tents and dignity entirely.

Critics blasted the purge as inhumane. Supporters countered that shielding the president from the sight of poverty was an act of mercy—for him, not the people removed.