“I LOVE TESLER”: Trump Becomes Part-Time Tesla Salesman to Boost Elon’s Stock

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartfelt gesture of billionaire-to-billionaire solidarity, President Donald Trump spent Tuesday afternoon transforming the White House driveway into the lamest car dealership in America.

Speaking to the media, Trump praised Elon’s savvy—then awkwardly crawled into the driver’s seat of a red Model S, squinting at the dashboard before exclaiming, “It’s all computer!” to no one in particular.

Trump insisted the Tesla wasn’t just for show. “I’m buying this one with my own money,” he said, before adding, “unless the campaign reimburses me, which they probably will. Either way, very honorable.”

Sources say the idea originated after Tesla stock plummeted 48% following weeks of Musk axing government agencies, launching exploding rockets, and blaming poor people for the deficit. Analysts say the stock rebounded 4% “purely from the confusion.”

“Elon shouldn’t suffer just because he wants to help me,” Trump explained. “He’s doing a fantastic job eliminating waste, especially Social Security. A+ work.”

By mid-afternoon, Trump had sold zero vehicles but did sign three autographs on strangers’ windshields.

“I could sell ice to an Eskimo,” Trump boasted. “Now I’m selling space cars to patriots. Let’s make Tesler great again.”