Immigrants to Face ‘Anti-American’ Test: Failure Includes Watching Soccer or Saying Healthcare Should Be Affordable

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services announced Tuesday that foreigners hoping to live or work in America will now be subject to an official “anti-American” test, a groundbreaking innovation in gatekeeping that experts describe as “basically a BuzzFeed quiz written by Steve Bannon.”

According to the directive, applicants will now be asked a series of culturally revealing questions, such as whether they prefer soccer over football, think healthcare should be affordable, or have ever used public transportation without crying. Officials say answering “yes” to any of these betrays “deep hostility to the American way of life.”

“America is a land of freedom,” said USCIS spokesman Matthew Tragesser. “But if your freedom includes liking woke stuff or suggesting insulin shouldn’t cost $400, then we simply cannot accommodate you.”

Critics argue the measure essentially weeds out anyone who has ever questioned U.S. exceptionalism, or noticed that other cultures exist. “The test is basically one question: ‘Do you think America is perfect?’ If you hesitate more than one second, you fail,” said immigration attorney Jaime Diez.

The agency clarified that the only acceptable answer to the final question—What’s wrong with America?—is: “Absolutely nothing, sir.”