Liberation Day: Trump Recites Gilded Age Lore, Then Tariffs the Entire Globe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring April 2 “Liberation Day,” President Trump took to the Rose Garden on Wednesday to announce sweeping tariffs on nearly every country on Earth, delivering a speech that featured economic nationalism, historical fan fiction, and an extremely large chart.

“This is how we used to do it—back when America was rich, before the income tax ruined everything,” Trump said, referencing an era when women couldn’t vote and most children had full-time jobs. “We’re bringing that back. Not the bad parts. Just the tariffs. Maybe the children working. We’ll see.”

Trump then unveiled a list of tariffs ranging from 10% to 49%, targeting everyone from Australia to Vietnam, with a few obscure locations added “just to make the chart look balanced.” The United Kingdom received a courtesy 10% for being “sad enough already.”

After signing two executive orders, Trump declared the U.S. economically independent, as stocks fell sharply and citizens Googled “how long does inflation last if your leader thinks it’s 1884.”

At press time, the White House confirmed a massive follow-up chart was in the works for tracking “all the countries that get mad or jealous.”