Mar-a-Lago Touted as Future Home of ‘Trump News Gold’ Network

PALM BEACH — President Trump announced Sunday that his Mar-a-Lago resort will serve as headquarters for a new ‘Trump News Gold’ network, designed to replace ABC and NBC with “the most beautiful, truthful, and luxurious coverage ever attempted.”

Plans describe a nightly broadcast co-anchored by a chiseled male model and a botoxed housewife, delivering updates on the president’s “world-shaking accomplishments.” Segments will highlight Trump’s “historic trade deals,” his “flawless diplomacy,” and any occasion where a celebrity or foreign leader says something nice about him.

Sports will be covered by Eric Trump, shirtless by the pool, where he will narrate highlight reels of his father attending major events. “Here’s Dad at the Super Bowl—you can see the entire stadium stood up just to look at him,” Eric said in a pilot taping. On days without major outings, Eric will pivot to covering Trump’s golf scores, which one caddy confirmed will be “record-breaking.”

Weather will be presented by a glamorous female anchor who only reports on perfect conditions in select cities. Any location with bad weather will be ignored unless Trump is visiting, in which case the forecast will be upgraded to “tremendous.”

Trump himself promised the network would restore faith in journalism: “Every story will be true, every story will be positive, and every story will be about me. Nobody’s ever had news like this before—people will cry when they watch it.”