Mike Johnson Emerges From Prayer Room Spiritually Renewed, Ready to Gut Medicaid and SNAP

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Radiating the calm of a man who just forgave himself in advance, House Speaker Mike Johnson stepped out of the Capitol’s prayer room ready to shepherd millions of Americans off food stamps and into “God’s loving hunger.”

“The founders prayed, and I pray,” Johnson said, adjusting his tie like a humble prophet. “And every time I pray, I hear the same message: ‘Mike, make them earn the loaves and fishes.’”

The bill Johnson championed—dubbed “big and beautiful” by President Trump—will remove health care from 8.6 million people and end food assistance for 3 million more. Johnson insists this isn’t cruelty, but Christian love.

“Blessed are the hungry, for they will learn personal responsibility,” Johnson explained. “And blessed are the sick, for their lack of insurance will draw them closer to God.”

A stained-glass George Washington kneeling in prayer reportedly looked down approvingly as Johnson invoked divine approval for what critics call “legislative sadism.”

After praying for strength, Johnson left the room calm, centered, and spiritually aligned. “Christ fed the 5,000,” Johnson acknowledged, “but He didn’t renew those benefits the following month… Work builds faith.”

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