Millions March Against the Reign of King Spray Tan — Protesters Demand Return to Regular, Boring Democracy

UNITED STATES — From small towns to big cities, millions of Americans flooded the streets Saturday for “No Kings” protests in a national show of defiance against King Spray Tan’s growing reign of executive decrees and divine-right delusions.

Across 2,700 locations, marchers carried signs like “America Kneels to No King,” “Resist Fascism,” and “Make C-SPAN Boring Again.”

The protests were as decentralized as they were defiant—unicorns and lobsters marched beside union organizers and retired teachers. “It’s about the absurdity of it all,” said one San Diego protester in a banana suit, “and the fact that our democracy’s on life support.”

Trump, meanwhile, dismissed the movement as a “we hate America parade,” telling Fox News, “They say I’m a king, but I’m not. I’m just the most powerful man alive, maybe ever.”

As night fell, organizers said the message was simple: America doesn’t need a savior or a sovereign—just a government boringly effective enough that everyone can finally sleep at night.