National Guard Deployed to Crush Crime in D.C., Heroically Crush Empty Soda Cans Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Residents of the nation’s capital were baffled Tuesday as National Guard troops, deployed by President Trump to combat an alleged “crime emergency,” were instead spotted picking up soda cans, cigarette butts, and the occasional rogue Chipotle bag.

“I signed up to serve my country, not to scrub the sidewalk like some janitor,” admitted one Guardsman, dragging a trash bag across Lafayette Park. “No offense, but why the hell am I here?

Locals were equally perplexed. “It’s surreal,” said D.C. resident Marcus Lee. “You’ve got soldiers in full combat gear bending over to grab a half-smoked blunt off the curb. What exactly are my tax dollars doing right now?”

The White House has defended the $1 million-a-day deployment as a success. “Crime is way down in the three-mile radius where I can see,” Trump told reporters. “And the sidewalks? They’ve never been cleaner. It’s a beautiful thing, really.”

Military officials confirmed the Guard’s next assignments include hosing bird poop off statues, power-washing the Lincoln Memorial steps, and, if time allows, “providing armed overwatch of recycling bins.”