NFL Commissioner Regrets Not Taking Bathroom Break Before Trump’s Alcatraz Monologue Begins

WASHINGTON, D.C. — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell briefly disappeared into his own mind Monday after President Trump’s NFL Draft announcement veered into a 14-minute ramble on Alcatraz, complete with shark attacks and cinematic fantasies.

“Well, I guess I was supposed to be a moviemaker,” Trump began, for whatever reason. “… Alcatraz represents something very strong, very powerful, in terms of law and order. Our country needs law and order.”

“Alcatraz is, I would say, the ultimate,” Trump continued, describing the abandoned prison as “horrible, and beautiful, and strong, and miserable, weak”—a phrase Goodell later described as “my exact emotional arc while standing there.”

Witnesses say Goodell’s posture stiffened as Trump detailed “clothing rather badly ripped up” and “a lot of shark bites, a lot of problems,” prompting the commissioner to retreat inward and imagine himself tunneling through a cement wall.

“I’ve stood next to booing crowds, I’ve stood next to angry owners,” Goodell said afterward. “Nothing compares to standing next to that.”

D.C.’s mayor Muriel Bowser, when asked about her own experience, replied, “I just blacked out.”