OPM Employees Told to “Live In the Building, Breathe the Mission” After Musk Loyalists Move In With Bunk Beds and Soylent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Office of Personnel Management, typically a sleepy hub of federal HR policy, has undergone a radical transformation this week after a group of Elon Musk loyalists reportedly staged a “techbro-based hostile takeover” of the agency.

Career staff were locked out of their computers Thursday morning only to discover bunk beds lining the halls, fluorescent lighting replaced by ambient glow panels, and a single handwritten sign taped to the lobby: “Live in the building. Breathe the mission. Consume the Soylent.”

The shakeup comes just days after the now-infamous “Fork in the Road” memo was sent to over two million federal workers, offering them a stark choice: return to the office immediately or accept “deferred resignation” with full pay and no duties.

Sources say the new OPM director is a 19-year-old former SpaceX intern with “deep alignment to the founder’s ethos,” and PC wired directly into a Starlink terminal. Meetings are now held digitally via livestreams, with decisions made by whoever can hack into government systems first.

Employees report that the break room has been converted into a “performance zone” featuring a looping reel of Elon tweets and a 24/7 leaderboard tracking who’s logged the most keystrokes. One staffer said bathroom breaks are now tracked as “low-output windows.”

At press time, numerous federal workers were caught Googling “How to fake your own death and still get pension benefits.”