Pentagon Flies In Thousands of Troops Just to Hear Pete Hegseth Pretend He’s a Drill Sergeant From Call of Duty

QUANTICO — The Pentagon spent millions this week to gather generals, admirals, and combat veterans from across the globe—just so Pete Hegseth could deliver a speech that sounded like a 13-year-old screaming into an Xbox headset.

Hegseth stormed the stage shouting about “warrior ethos” and “lethality,” vowing to roll back “woke distractions” like diversity and anti-hazing rules. “You kill people and break things,” he declared, forgetting that many in attendance have also done boring, “woke” things like evacuating civilians or negotiating peace.

Then President Trump arrived to crank the war fever to eleven, suggesting the military use “dangerous U.S. cities” as live training zones. “We’re going into Chicago very soon,” he promised. “This is going to be a big thing… it’s the enemy from within, and we have to handle it before it gets out of control.”

Some officers shifted uncomfortably in their seats, unsure whether they were being briefed on national security or auditioning for a remake of Red Dawn. Veterans who’d spent years in real war zones quietly exchanged looks that needed no translation.

The event ended with tepid applause, not for the speeches but for the thought of finally escaping Quantico. “That’s one briefing I never want to sit through again,” muttered one admiral.