Rubio Says Administration Would Prefer to Buy Greenland, But Is Emotionally Prepared to Invade It

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of State Marco Rubio reassured lawmakers Tuesday that while the Trump administration would prefer  to purchase Greenland from Denmark, it remains fully, emotionally, and logistically prepared to invade the island if necessary.

According to Rubio, buying Greenland would be the “cleanest” option, but officials have also spent time mentally rehearsing the invasion scenario, just in case diplomacy fails or Denmark becomes “difficult about ownership of its own territory.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized that no decision has been finalized, but stressed that military force is “always an option.” Administration officials described the statement as “standard foreign-policy language” and not at all alarming when applied to NATO allies.

Deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller echoed that confidence, assuring the public that resistance would be minimal because “nobody is going to fight the United States over Greenland,” a statement critics said sounded less like strategy and more like a dare by history’s most self-assured empire.

European leaders were less enthusiastic. France, Germany, Britain, and Denmark issued a joint statement reminding Washington that Greenland belongs to its people, not to whichever country simply wants it the most. Danish officials warned that an American attack on a NATO ally would effectively end the 75-year alliance.

Even Americans appear unconvinced. Polls show overwhelming opposition to a military takeover of Greenland, suggesting voters are not yet fully comfortable with annexing Arctic territories on a whim…