Senate Rushing “Big Beautiful Bill” to Meet Trump’s Arbitrary Fireworks Deadline

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a patriotic sprint toward legislative disaster, Republican senators are scrambling to pass the “Big Beautiful Bill” before Trump’s chosen deadline of July 4th—a date experts say was selected not for any policy reason, but “because it looks good on a t-shirt.”

The bill, which affects everything from healthcare access to tax structures, is longer than Infinite Jest and arguably more fictional. Still, lawmakers are being pressured to approve it without meaningful review—lest they spoil Trump’s holiday weekend photo op.

“Trump wants to sign the bill during a fireworks display while holding a sparkler and a Bible,” said one exhausted GOP staffer. “We’re literally legislating around a man’s Instagram vision.”

Senator Thom Tillis, one of the few Republicans who questioned the rush, has now opted to leave Congress altogether. “I was told to stop asking what’s in the bill and start asking how big the stage should be,” he said. “I’m done.”

Despite the chaos, Trump remains enthusiastic. “It’s the most important bill ever passed before a holiday,” he said. “Americans want fireworks, hot dogs, and maybe fewer hospitals, I don’t know. The point is—it’s big, it’s beautiful, and I want it passed before Lee Greenwood hits the high note.”

As of press time, Senate Republicans were speed-reading page 812, which may or may not defund ambulances, while interns debated whether confetti cannons were “too subtle” for the bill signing.