Texas Republicans Vote to Arrest Democrats for Not Letting Them Cheat Fast Enough

AUSTIN — Determined to uphold their right to gerrymander, Texas Republicans voted Monday to arrest Democratic lawmakers who fled the state rather than help them pass a blatantly rigged congressional map.

“The Democrats’ refusal to help us rig the map is both shameful and unpatriotic,” said House Speaker Dustin Burrows, insisting that democracy “only works when everyone agrees to our cheating.”

Governor Greg Abbott echoed the sentiment, announcing plans to dispatch the Texas Rangers to “track down these fugitives” and haul them back to Austin, alive or in whatever condition still counts as a quorum.

Abbott also accused the fleeing Democrats of “bribery,” claiming they illegally accepted donations for gas money, snacks, and “possibly even Red Bull.” He vowed harsh penalties, including imprisonment or, worse, a mandatory return to the Texas statehouse.

Republicans, however, insist the real crime was leaving in the first place. “We can’t cheat properly without everyone present,” said one lawmaker. “That’s just basic legislative etiquette.”