They Came, They Stood, They Dissociated: Rubio, Vance, and Hegseth Observe the End of Empire from 3 Feet Away

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a powerful visual display of emotional detachment and late-stage imperial decay, J.D. Vance, Marco Rubio, and Pete Hegseth stood frozen behind President Donald Trump last night as he unilaterally announced airstrikes on Iranian nuclear sites—each man silently dissociating in his own uniquely American way.

Eyewitnesses described the three men as “alive, technically,” with body language experts noting signs of “acute psychic evacuation,” “chronic regret exposure,” and “bourbon-scented adrenal fatigue.”

“Vance looked like a Civil War widow receiving bad news,” said one viewer. “I’m actually shocked he didn’t cry.”

Rubio, meanwhile, maintained a blank expression throughout the entire speech, broken only by a single eyebrow itch that triggered what observers called “a catatonic blink loop.”

Hegseth, widely considered the most comfortable with military spectacle, was visibly tense—blinking rapidly and nodding nervously at every sentence Trump uttered.

“It’s rare you see all three fight-or-flight responses—freeze, blink, and internal combustion—happening simultaneously on a single stage,” said trauma researcher Dr. Nell Proctor. “They’ll be unpacking this for years.”

At press time, all three men were reportedly “still recovering” in a dimly lit Capitol break room, where Rubio was seen tapping his forehead against a mini-fridge, Vance softly whispering “this isn’t Ohio,” and Hegseth demanding to know if cologne counts as liquor.