Trump and Vance Berate Zelenskyy on Live TV for 30 Minutes, Forget to Offer Deal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — What began as a scheduled minerals agreement quickly morphed into a full-blown public hazing, as President Trump and Vice President J.D. Vance took turns verbally pummeling Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy—while forgetting to actually offer him a deal.

The event was billed as a diplomatic summit but quickly devolved into what viewers described as “a psychologically abusive podcast episode.” Trump opened the press conference by reminding Zelenskyy that “he didn’t have the cards,” while Vance scolded him for not saying “thank you” with enough emotional range.

“You’re buried there,” Trump said. “People are dying. You should be thanking us for letting you speak English on camera.”

Vance followed up by accusing Zelenskyy of “being disrespectful to America” and “focusing too much on dying instead of being grateful.”

The meeting, which ended with Trump saying “this is going to be great television,” concluded without a handshake, a signature, or a shred of diplomacy. White House aides confirmed the minerals deal remained in a folder, unopened, next to a Diet Coke and a Sharpie.

“We weren’t really there to negotiate,” Vance clarified afterward. “We were there to remind him how lucky he was to be in our presence while his country crumbles.”