Trump Claims Inflation Is Solved, Immigrants Are Filthy, and Dolls Are the Real Enemy—Voters Still Have No Clue What the Hell He’s Talking About

MOUNT POCONO — Promising to “Make America Affordable Again,” President Donald Trump spent roughly twelve seconds discussing prices Tuesday before launching into an extended monologue about how immigrants from “filthy, disgusting hellholes” are ruining the country and why American children need fewer dolls. Economists say none of these points are connected, though Trump delivered them with absolute confidence, which historically counts for something.

The president insisted inflation was “totally fixed,” waving a chart that appeared to be printed from a restaurant kids’ menu, then warned the crowd about “crime-ridden countries” that, coincidentally, have fewer golf courses than he prefers.

Meanwhile—offstage, off-camera, and definitely off-script—civil rights groups reported horrifying abuse inside a Texas detention camp, including beatings, sexual assault, and detainees being forced to jump the border wall into Mexico. Asked whether the president might address this, DHS issued a statement reading: “No,” matching Trump’s general habit of not giving a shit.

Back in Pennsylvania, voters admitted they remained confused. “I came here to hear about inflation,” said one attendee. “Instead he’s yelling about dolls and saying Afghanistan is dirty. What am I supposed to do with that?”

Trump closed the event by grading the economy “A-plus-plus,” a rating economists are still trying to convert into something measurable.