Trump Confirms Peace Deal Was Finalized Spiritually, During a Cheeseburger-Induced Vision Quest

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking to reporters from the White House lawn, President Donald Trump confirmed that the ceasefire between Israel and Iran was “very real,” “very binding,” and “delivered unto him by the cosmos” during what aides later described as a “meat-based vision quest.”

“I had just finished a double Big Carl with extra mayo, and suddenly—BOOM—a gold falcon landed on my lap,” Trump explained, eyes wide open. “He spoke perfect English, very respectful bird, and told me the war was over. We made the deal right there. He signed it in mustard.”

Trump then described ascending into what he called a “burger portal,” where he says he met the leaders of Iran and Israel, both of whom were wearing golf polos and “very nice slacks.” The three men negotiated peace atop a floating Arby’s, after which he returned to Earth to announce the ceasefire.

“I don’t know what the fake news is saying, but spiritually, the deal was sealed. And it’s going beautifully,” Trump added, as Iranian missiles struck Tel Aviv for the third time that hour.

Asked whether either country had actually agreed to anything, White House officials stood by the president’s account: “He’s the commander-in-chief—if he makes a deal with a cheeseburger falcon, we stand by that process,” adding that all future foreign policy would be determined by “whatever the hell that bird tells him next.”