Trump Declares War on Acronyms: “No Funding Until I Know What They All Stand For”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that stunned agencies across the federal government, President Donald Trump has frozen all federal grants, contracts, and aid programs—until someone explains what all the acronyms mean.

The decision, delivered in a 10 a.m. Truth Social post, sent shockwaves through departments scrambling to adjust. Sources say the freeze came after Trump was handed a briefing packet filled with agency requests that included terms like “NEH,” “EPA,” and “CVRA.”

“I said, ‘What the hell is a NEH?’” Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago. “Nobody gave me a straight answer. It could mean National Endowment for Hamas for all I know. We’re not funding terrorists. Not on my watch.”

White House insiders claim Trump became increasingly agitated during a morning policy review when he was shown a chart of alphabet soup-like acronyms and funding recipients.

“He just kept yelling at the acronyms,” one anonymous aide confessed. “He thought the DOE stood for Democrats of Evil.”

Effective immediately, all program funding has been frozen pending what Trump called a “full acronym review.” A new task force—dubbed the Committee to Review All Programs (CRAP)—will be led by Russell Vought and a rotating panel of Truth Social influencers.

When asked how the freeze might impact vital public services like infrastructure, food assistance, and medical research, Trump waved the question off.

“Listen, if your program has more than three letters, you’re hiding something,” he insisted. “Keep it simple. I like programs like ICE. Very strong. One syllable. Cold. Dangerous. Perfect.”