Trump Declares War on ActBlue, Judges, Gravity, and Any Other Force That Defies Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a decisive show of strength, President Trump has escalated his campaign of retribution this week after launching official probes into ActBlue and a sitting Wisconsin judge.

ActBlue—the Democrats’ primary fundraising platform—was the first target: “It’s dark money. Darker than a Biden basement,” Trump claimed. “We’re gonna shut that down. Totally illegal. Probably Chinese.”

The next day, Trump’s FBI arrested Milwaukee County Judge Hannah Dugan for the newly invented felony of “treating immigrants like humans” in a courtroom. The arrest was announced on X by FBI Director Kash Patel, whose “Enemies List” has now been upgraded to “To-Do List.”

Attorney General Pam Bondi took to Fox News to assure viewers this is just the beginning. “If a judge blocks the president’s will, are they really a judge? Or just a criminal in a robe?”

Critics say Trump’s moves reflect a creeping authoritarianism. Trump disagrees. “It’s not creeping. It’s sprinting. Huge difference.”

Asked if there were any limits to this new doctrine of governance, Trump shrugged: “If the Founding Fathers didn’t want me to rule like a king, they should’ve thought of that before dying.”