Trump Hits 90-Day Snooze on Tariffs: “We’ll Destroy the Economy Again After This Nap”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After sending the global economy into a tailspin, President Trump announced Wednesday that he would hit the pause button on his sweeping international tariffs—setting a 90-day snooze timer before what he called “Round 2 of economic domination.”

“I needed to calm the babies down,” Trump told reporters. “The stock market was yipping, the bond market was puking. It was all very annoying. So now we’re doing a 90-day nap. Then we destroy everything again, maybe harder.”

Markets briefly soared on the news, with traders celebrating what one analyst called “a temporary reprieve from economic arson.” But confusion quickly returned when Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said the pause wasn’t due to the market collapse, but because “the world loves America and wanted to talk.” Minutes later, Trump contradicted that version, saying he had only paused tariffs because “the charts were making people queasy.”

Asked whether 90 days would be enough time to secure new trade deals, Trump responded, “That depends. Are the deals easy? Do I like the people? Do they have good flags?”

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick clarified that the timeline was flexible, adding, “We might extend the nap if Daddy needs more rest.”

At press time, Trump was seen highlighting sections of The Art of the Deal that explain how to look like you planned the fire you’re currently putting out.