Trump Invents New Cause for Deadly Crash: Diversity

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a catastrophic plane crash that left 67 dead, President Trump has announced the true culprit behind the tragedy: diversity—the leading cause of everything bad since 2015, according to sources familiar with his brain.

“People are saying the air traffic controller had glasses. Can you believe it?” Trump proclaimed Thursday, flanked by a scale model of Air Force One.

Despite investigators saying there’s no evidence that FAA diversity initiatives played any role in the incident, Trump remained firm. “The Biden administration let them hire people with epilepsy, dwarfism, maybe even jazz degrees. We don’t know, nobody knows… frankly, it’s a disaster.”

The FAA clarified that all air traffic controllers, regardless of race, gender, or limb count, must pass strict evaluations, but Trump countered with a new theory: the controllers were “too busy learning about gender stuff to notice two aircraft heading straight for each other.”

As bodies were still being recovered, Trump took swift executive action by signing the Patriotic Skies Initiative, which limits FAA hires to people over six feet tall, emotionally unavailable, and able to pass a Top Gun-style dogfighting simulation against a bald eagle.

Asked what qualifications he would prioritize for the job of air traffic control, Trump replied, “People who’ve watched a lot of aviation movies—it’s all about instincts, really.”