Trump Names Himself Head of the Arts, Promises To “Bring Back Real Culture Like Rambo and Hooters”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to “rescue America’s soul from interpretive dance and saxophones,” President Donald Trump has fired the entire board of the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and appointed himself Chairman, declaring a “total reboot of culture.”

“America used to have taste!” Trump announced on Truth Social. “We had Rambo. We had Hooters. That was real culture. Beautiful, busty, explosive culture. Not this woke drag crap!”

According to sources, upcoming Kennedy Center programming will include a stage adaptation of The Expendables, an all-female rendition of Top Gun, and a “Freedom Blues” series featuring Kid Rock on harmonica while a bald eagle circles the audience.

“Real art should blow things up and serve wings,” said new board member and MAGA comedian Theo Von. “It’s time to make culture cool again.”

The decision has sparked outrage from artists, musicians, and anyone who’s ever seen a play that didn’t end with a high-five. “This isn’t leadership—it’s a midlife crisis on federal property,” said a spokesperson for the American Theater Association, shortly before being chased out of the Kennedy Center by Lee Greenwood on an ATV.

Despite legal questions over the appointment, Trump maintains his position is secure. “The Constitution doesn’t say I can’t be Chairman of the Arts,” he added. “And anyway, the Founding Fathers loved dinner theater.”

The first Trump-curated performance, MAGA: The Rock Opera debuts next week.