Trump Says Biden’s Autopen Was “Illegally Possessed By Deep State Demons,” Promises to Burn It Sunday at Noon

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump announced on Friday that he would “purify the Republic” by burning Joe Biden’s former autopen, declaring it had been “illegally possessed by Deep State demons.”

Speaking from behind a Bible he definitely did not bring on his own, Trump claimed the autopen had been “secretly enacting Dark Policies” while Biden wandered the White House “like a confused extra.” He offered no evidence, but insisted the machine’s curved plastic housing “absolutely looks like something that contains a demon—maybe several.”

Trump vowed to nullify every action touched by the autopen, estimating that “roughly 92%” of Biden’s presidency was therefore “invalid, demonic, or both.” Legal scholars quickly noted that every president since Gerald Ford has used an autopen, and that Trump himself has relied on one repeatedly—even in 2025.

Pressed on the fact that he is still using an autopen, Trump claimed his was “anointed personally by Paula White, my prosperity preacher. It’s a very powerful blessing.” He added that Biden’s version “had a devilish little claw,” which experts later clarified was simply the pen holder.

Republicans immediately rallied behind the crusade to torch Biden’s autopen and erase every “demon-signed” policy from existence. The ceremonial burning is scheduled for Sunday at noon, though aides admitted the autopen may not ignite easily unless soaked in holy oil.