Trump Says Nuclear Tests Will “Make America Glow Again”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Declaring that America has “lost its sparkle,” President Trump announced Thursday that the U.S. will resume nuclear testing “immediately, and with great success.”

“People keep saying we’re divided, we’re gloomy,” Trump said during an impromptu press conference on Air Force One. “Well, we’re going to fix that. We’re going to make America glow again—literally. A nice warm glow you can see from space.”

When asked whether the Pentagon had approved the move, Defense officials confirmed they learned about it the same way everyone else did—from Truth Social.

Asked if the move could reignite global tensions, Trump was dismissive. “Look, I have a Nuclear Button—a much bigger, more powerful Button than anyone else. And my Button works. Everyone will know it works. We’re gonna test it—believe me.”

Vice President JD Vance assured reporters the tests would be “routine safety checks” and “a great morale boost for America,” adding that “a little radiation’s fine—it’s what separates us from the French.”

At press time, Trump doubled down on Truth Social: “The fake news says this is dangerous. Wrong! The real danger is a weak, BORING America. #MakeAmericaGlowAgain.”