Trump to Replace IRS With Tariffs, Says ‘The Gilded Age Was Great for the 6 Richest Men Alive’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump unveiled his new economic vision Monday: eliminate the IRS and return America to the “elegant simplicity” of the Gilded Age, when taxes were paid almost exclusively by poor people buying bread.

“The Gilded Age was tremendous,” Trump told reporters from a stage draped in velvet. “No income tax, no audits, just a strong economy where millionaires wore top hats and everybody else died mysteriously at 39.”

According to administration officials, Trump’s economic plan includes massive new import taxes on essential items like insulin, phone chargers, and anything made by people who earn less than $15k a year.

Critics have pointed out that the Gilded Age was marked by widespread poverty, horrifying labor conditions, and orphan-based chimney maintenance. But Trump dismissed the concerns as “jealousy from people who never owned a steel monopoly.”

In lieu of income taxes, Americans are encouraged to offset the national debt by “buying fewer foreign things and maybe dying younger.”

Trump concluded his press conference by unveiling a new slogan: “Make America Gilded Again”—before boarding a platinum train to Mar-a-Lago with a handful of CEOs.

When asked if tariffs alone could realistically fund the federal government, Trump replied, “They worked fine in 1890. Sure, half the country was eating wallpaper, but the stock market was thriving.”