Trump to Veterans: “Thank You for Your Service — You’re Fired”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Delivering what he called a “tough love” message to America’s former warriors, President Trump thanked thousands of veterans for defending the country—then immediately fired them from their federal jobs.

“These are some of the best people—brave people,” Trump said during a press event. “But look, bravery doesn’t mean you get to keep your desk job forever. This is government, not a VFW pancake breakfast.”

The move is part of Trump and DOGE’s sweeping “government efficiency overhaul”—triggering mass layoffs across the federal workforce, including over 80,000 planned cuts at the VA alone.

While the administration cited “performance issues,” many veterans say they received positive evaluations before being abruptly terminated. Some now say they regret voting for Trump.

“I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan,” said Barry Sims, a former VA mailroom clerk and Army vet. “Now I’m fighting the urge to cry while Googling ‘where to sell plasma near me.’”

When pressed on the layoffs, Trump doubled down. “I support the troops so much, I’m sending them back into the battlefield—of the free market,” he declared. “Some of them might even end up on Shark Tank, who knows?”

As of press time, Trump was reportedly considering a new initiative called “Boots to Uber,” encouraging unemployed vets to “keep fighting—this time for 5-star ratings.”